a network of strength

hmms..
was supposed to go bible study today
was already planning to go at what time and blah blah
then my colleague asked me to discuss ndp stores later
he told me while i was tucking into my packet of noodles at the mess
"if only i've avoided him, maybe i could have just changed and rushed out already"

so while i was eating i was thinking.
should i or shouldn't i?
in the end i didn't
i really don't want to be in the middle of bible study and he calls asking me where am i to discuss the stores and i'm everywhere but in camp
now that i'm already attending courses here and there
can sense this and that feelings around

i mean come on
i'm blessed, no wrong greatly blessed to attend such courses
attending such courses will actually cause me to be out of camp
so i needn't conduct this and that in camp
i mean
u attend a course and you just use your brains while u're there isn't it

it's okie. i realise for the past few days i've been quite conscious about myself
what i do what i didn't do
and i hate it
just lose everything of me and have all of Christ in me

thinking about some things somehow will just trigger this bitter feeling in me
maybe it's because it has been something i wanted to study since JC days?
while in the course i was using my brains
not using my brains to udnerstand what the speaker was talking about
but rather daydreaming here and there.thinking about stuff.sorting out stuff
the art of expressing oneself through the power of language is a beautiful thing, and i'm not sure if such expressions are possible in the world of accounting and numbers where there is a fixed answer to balancing numbers and whatnot
but it's like God telling me "hey go into this area.do not worry about expressing yourself in other areas. this area is where i shall put my money into it"
okie in other words it's like Him telling me to go into accountancy because this is where His blessings will be greatly upon me, in terms of wealth.
and somehow whenever i think about what God is telling me
i just feel this confident expectation of hope of things to come.of His blessings to come in this area
and my God is faithful

anyways today during the course
i just had this revelation
the speaker was asking us to prepare for role playing tomorrow
even though it's a small matter like role playing
you have to grasp the concepts and do a proper job
but immediately this voice in me told me "just do it lah.make mistakes then make loh.you can learn from them"
and it's so powerful
cos there's this upcoming course for me
where there will be appt holders
and obviously appt holders will be facing a certain degree of challenge and stress
but hey being armed with this line
"just go out there and try.go out there and learn.it's okie if you make mistakes.I'll cover for you and even in your mistakes you will still prosper" my Lord says

and it is indeed this line which i've experienced recently
i can't really explain the story over here
i shall share the next time i attend cg or rather if you ask me.

shucks i feel like i have writer's diarrhoea when everything just comes out from my brain to my hands to the typing of the words

"what is there that I'll not bless you with?" says my Lord my God
amazing love

to hold everything with loose hands