Walk in His Love

God just blows me away with His love.
Totally.
you know how people will be stunned when a bomb goes off?
God's blessings are like bombs from heaven.
when it hits me, i'm just so stunned by the impact that i'm down on my knees that kinda thing.
Slowly He is revealing to me what is to come.

but phoah.
after my meeting with anna, i just decided to walk home from paya lebar.
and while i was walking, i just told Abba i'm at a loss for words.
now i am still at a loss..
till it sits and settles into my heart first.

From Phillip and Craig
"How deep the Father's love for us"

there's this line which made me just lie on my bed and sing out with my hands in the air

"I will not boast in anything, no gifts no power no wisdom, but I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection"

Cache (skip this post if you don't wish to read about my runs)

i've been wanting to blog since friday
but i just can't seem to get into blogger.
the webpage will always hang while i'm in the midst of getting in,
and i wondered what the hell the problem was. was it because of the lousy blogger website?
and all along i kept on thinking it was the website problem, nothing to do with my com.
till yesterday when i complained to my sis about it and she mentioned that maybe it's something wrong with the com that causes the hanging.
and this morning while trying to log in again, same problem surfaced till i logged into my gmail and there was this notice saying that i have to clear my cache to fix some problem in my mail system.
being desperate, i just went ahead and fixed the cache, and tada i could get into blogger easily.
darn..............

oh wells.
shall i go all the way back to friday?
anyways i was really thankful that i had an half day off, which allowed me to complete my really long run on fri evening.
i can say maybe it's because i'm more suited to run in the evening, or maybe i can say it's because in the evening, i have more energy to complete the long run since i already had breakfast and lunch. i can say maybe it's because of the energy gel i took after running my 1st hour.
well but i say that before the long run, i took holy communion knowing that i really cannot complete the long run. in fact before this long run on friday, i did another long run the week before and i just felt so unmotivated to complete the last 30min of my 23k at marathon pace. hence i just ran the whole 23k at a pace that's comfortable to me. well nothing wrong with that eh. long runs should be done at a comfortable pace which allows you to hold a conversation.

however, i just have this thing inside me that tells me that a run will be a junk run when you don't have a training focus for it or you don't push yourself hard enough.
well for this 23k run, i really enjoyed myself running at that comfortable pace and after the run, i just know that sometimes it's just good to really take a backseat and enjoy the run instead of trying to set a relatively higher standard for me to achieve.

condemnation could not get a hold on me.
i say this because in the past, when i can't really meet a certain standard that i've set for a particular training session, i will just feel lousy.
wells over time and after some reading, it's normal to have some good training days and some bad training runs.

back to my 26k on friday. i knew this time i'm aiming for the last 30min at marathon pace.
but i know my body can't and my flesh is weak.
hence i just took holy communion knowing that whether or not i can make the mark for the last 30min, Jesus took my missing-the-mark (sin) at the cross for me.
with that i've His strength for my run.
and true enough, i felt good for the 26k, with the last 15min running at marathon pace.
during the run, the area beneath my right ankle joint hurt like usual.
in fact this area will hurt when i'm going for a long distance at a slow pace or going for a long distance at a fast pace.
so instead of focusing on my pace, i was just focusing my pain in that area being put unto Jesus at the cross.
and towards the end when my pace was picked up, the pain in that area was gone.

and just today (monday)
i was so so so lazy. i woke up feeling so lazy. ate my cereal and went back to bed, with me telling myself that i should let the cereal digest first before going for my run.(what an excuse!)
true enough, a good nap it was and i woke up with the time screaming at me at 1115am.
thank God the weather was cloudy from the start, because seriously if the sun was furious at 1115am, i would have just pushed my run to the evening, another reason to prolong my nap and delay my run.
so those people out there who thinks i love-love runnning, think about it again.
there are really some days when i just totally don't feel like lacing up my shoes, don't feel like putting a foot ahead of another, especially when i know the workout ahead is going to be tough.
seriously if you ask me to just run 8k-15k at a leisure pace everyday, i might just do it. after all it's at a leisure pace, you won't feel any hurt in your legs, in fact you will just get bored doing such a long distance alone everyday.

i really don't know why i signed up for the marathon, which compels me to put some effort into training for it. it costs me 65 bucks anyways. good enough a reason for me to at least train for it.
but after my army half marathon, i told myself not to be so strict on my diet already, eat more and x-train more with less running. well if there wasn't the marathon, i would be living in the gym by now.
but yea lifting weights with the desire to grow big and training for a marathon is like an oxymoron.
it's like running your guts out and indulging in a plate of fried kuay teow immediately after that.
you are just going to cancel the effects out.
you can't grow big when you are putting in so much mileage in your runs.
likewise you can't really run fast when you have so much bulk on you. (look at the kenyans)
before anyone would think i'm -trying- to be like a kenyan, i am not.
nevertheless, there are also fast runners with alot of bulk on them.
but let's just say that i -feel- faster with less bulk on me.
after all, a huge and well vascularized chest would definitely add more resistance, in addition to the large wind resistance going at you when you are running along the beach.

when training for the army half marathon back in august,
i cut down on my carbs, i cut down on my gym time, and the main resistance exercises were mainly bodyweight exercises like push-ups and pull-ups.
i wanted to go fast.
but my clothes were hanging a little off me.
even the M size T seems a little loose.

this time round, i've put on some weight, heck a little about the stuff that's going into my mouth.

and yea back to my training run today
well i just went out there at the national stadium track and did my track workout relying on His strength all the way.
in fact after doing my 1st 1600m, i already felt like throwing in the towel and i really questioned myself if i can complete another 4x1600m
every round i had around the track, it was like a rhythm in tandem with my pace.
a breath out will be followed by two and a half steps with an exclamation of "Abba!" or "Jesus!", almost certain that He was right there with me.
if my memory doesn't fail me, during my 3rd 1600m, i really felt like my stomach would flatten itself and my guts will spill out on the washed-out crimson red track. and i'm not exaggerating here.

talking a little about the national stadium, there's just something surreal about just you and the stadium alone.
almost all of the times when i was there, it's just the empty stadium and me.
if it was an indoor track stadium, i'm very sure my running footsteps will ricochet off the steps of the stadium causing an echo. okie i'm just playing with my imagination.

after my last 1600m, i just conveniently payed 2.50 bucks to patronise the weights in the gym.

disclaimer:
If you think i'm crazy about training, exercising, dieting, you are so totally wrong. it's not about I I I. and i don't want to put my trust in all these.
These few verses often pop up by the Spirit during my training.

Ps 127
"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain"
"Unless the Lord is going to bless my training, my run will be useless"

"I can all things through Christ who strengthens me," before i attempt to complete a set of weights.

"Christ the hope of glory in me" - well this verse just popped into me today while i was on my 800m recovery jogs in between my 1600m repeats.

and above everything
matthew 6:27
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added on to you."

after all, how can we put our trust in such things when in the old testament,
Daniel did not trust in the redemption of those foods offered to the pagan idols.
He requested to consume just vegetables to eat and water to drink.
Daniel 1:15 - "And at the end of ten days their features appeared better and fatter in flesh than all the young men who ate the portion of the king's delicacies"

Genesis 39
The Lord was with Joseph
Gen 39:6 "Now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance"
so much so that he was tempted with an indecent proposal.

Unless the Lord is involved in my everything, that thing is going to be done in vain.

Alex and spit.

alex is the name of a person, spit isn't.
to begin with, i was doing my easy run around my neighbourhood in the evening, i was too lazy to do weights and run after that.
hence i decided to just run leisurely.
while i was running along the pavement, this little girl was with her parents.
the normal reaction would be for me to steer slightly away from them to avoid a collision.
somehow just when i was running past the little girl, she was in the very act of spitting something and something moist came onto my left knee as well.

my reaction?
i kinda cursed under my breath and turned my head to look at her. likewise she turned her head to look at me, probably realising that her spit got onto me.
all this while i just continued to run without stopping.
and then i just thought about it
if a little girl spits (why is she spitting in the first place?) and i get a little riled up because the spit got onto me,
what about Jesus who was spat at by those burly roman soldiers?
soldiers who spat on him, mocking him, coming so close to His face taunting Him, i can almost imagine their gnarly teeth and stinking breath.
His reaction?
He chose not to retaliate but to persevere with His work.

this is only but a small small thing that He took upon Himself on the cross.
as i told Father
i really don't know much the cost of sin was on Him.
i really don't know how much He took for us at the cross.
all these came to me as a reminder of how much He loves us, just by a simple incident of a spit landing on my leg.

and while i was doing my stretching at the nearby fitness station
another indian guy was there as well. however he wasn't doing anything, but just standing around clad in exercise attire.
and i sensed that he was looking at me stretching.
okie. i thought he was probably taking a rest but it's just uneasy having this sensing that someone is looking at you.
then he approached me asking for stretching exercises to do after a run.
his indian accent can't be doubted.
i demonstrated to him those basic total body stretches, even going to the extent of touching the parts of his body that are being stretched in each particular exercise.
well. personal trainer ma.
though you know, too much of body hair can get in the way haha!
but yep.
we had a brief chatter
and i got to know him as alex, who hails from india and has been in singapore for one half years, working at suntec dwelling in the IT industry.
when i introduced my name as alvin.
his first question to me was "are you a Christian?"
and my mind just raced,"how does he know?you can tell by the way i look? or maybe because i introduced him my Christian name"
we were talking a brief bit about churches and he actually knows about NCC since he's working at suntec.
well he's a Christian as well.
praise God.

5 mins.

just 5mins later, when i closed the blogger window and decide to go munch down on two eggs,
Holy Spirit brought to my remembrance again.

righteousness of faith apart from works
righteousness of faith apart from what i do or didn't do

that's freedom to live.

"You see church"

"You see church. what matters most is not now, not on sunday but when Monday comes"

yea manx and i'm living it out right now.
of course everyone on a sunday can shout hallelujah in church and everything, but what happens when monday comes?
we are who we are when we are alone.
i'm on leave today, though i still have some compiling to do at work
well if one doesn't do it, someone else has to do it eh..
while i was having breakfast at the table, i was just praying in tongues for a decision whether to go back to camp or just stay at home since i'm on leave.
as expected my boss msged me asking if i'm going back to camp.
that's like a licence for me to say "no" ?
and so i gave an excuse to him.
wells..

i prayed in tongues and actually my heart was skewed towards returning back to camp.
it's like torn between a decision for my own relaxation and a decision that is glorifying to Christ.
of course by going back to work, it's a decision glorifying to Christ as i'm helping my boss..
however, i think there's this fine line between knowing what you are entitled to and doing something that's glorifying to Christ.
geez you see that's my rationale thinking kicking into action/
BUT, i just told Him, i don't want to live by the worldly street smarts by learning the ropes of the world in escaping stuff.
but i rather You give me wisdom.

before i sent the msg, i know and i confessed that no matter what decision i make, I'm still the righteousness of God in Christ.
how many of u know that u can confess but still don't feel the shalom?
well, keep on confessing till your mouths are satisfied and His Word just sits tightly in your heart, that you just let go of that decision to Christ and enjoy the day ahead.
well at least that's what i'm doing right now.

and then the Spirit brought to my remembrance
freedom is when you are free of man's opinion of you.
yes some decisions may be made from a position knowing that you don't care what others think about you.
yet at the same time total freedom does not mean you can just go out there and make decisions that are not glorifying to Christ.

so seriously.
i just need God's wisdom in my decisions.

thank You Lord.

well. i think the title just says it all.
thank You Lord for Jimmy.

and i so love the guys-only meal at hongkong cafe.
Jimmy, weizhong, matthias and desmond.
really, fellowship with guys just gives me joy.

honestly in the past, fellowship with girls gives me joy too. not that it doesn't now,
but fellowship with guys gives me the joy that i know the Lord wants me to have when it comes to guys only.
honestly speaking, in the past when it was all guys only, i wished there were some girls to balance it out.
but now when it's all guys, i'm asking the Lord for more guys.

to my brothers and sisters in Christ, i'm very sure you know what i mean.
that being said, the grace of God is more than sufficient in us to be comfortable with anyone, regardless of gender.

take my heart and make it Yours
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
as i walk from earth into eternity

Gosh
i've never heard of Hosanna until arrow service..
a lil slow right.
the song's so beautiful because these two stanzas are exactly what my prayers are all along.

and yesterday's meeting with weixiang just shows me once again..
that i can't but God can.
tending to people not because "i have to"
but out of the love and flow of Christ

to run not after works nor performance nor the robes of "befriender"
but to run after the love of Christ and His robes of righteousness..

that honestly, there are some days when i just don't feel like talking to anyone, or don't know what to talk about, just attend church and that's it.
but it's exactly these times when the grace of God will super fill me up.
and it's exactly these times when i'm brought to a place that reminds me that it's not about what i have in my own ability anyways. which is really so little.

praise God.

Country Manna

yesterday yesterday yesterday
i suggested lunching out with my parents after the gym session..
my dad suggested eating at a nonya restaurant at serangoon..
and i could tell that his mind was on the curry fish head that the restaurant offers..
however i had other plans in my stomach.
what i wanted was some american cuisine with meat/protein in it, not nonya food or any chinese food.
my mind was just billy bombers all the time, however i did not sound out.
I told my Father, "since i asked my parents out for lunch, might as well just subject myself to their tastes and preferences."
low and behold, when we have reached the place at serangoon area, we found out that the restaurant was nowhere in sight. apparently it had closed down and thai express took its place.
well thai express is one of my favourite eating places as well but my dad doesn't like it.

Then my parents suggested eating at country 'mama', which has american cuisine on its menu.
it was just across the road and we went for it.
in my mind, heart and mouth, i was just thanking God all the way as He answered my food prayer!

Then the Spirit just told me this "subject to your parents like Jesus did, and He grew in favor with God and men"
and God's favour was on me, so much so that the restaurant closed down for my eating sake.
just when i already prepared myself to go with my parents' taste preferences.

and when i finished my lunch, i was just fiddling with those paper promotion slips placed on the table. and low and behold! the name of the restaurant isn't country 'mama' but country MANNA.

God's provision for me for the day~

anyways my boss asked me back for work tomorrow after lunch
well i was actually waiting for his call since last week.
since i've already settled this with God, i don't mind the work unto me, so that Christ can be glorified.
though i don't know the difficulty of the work ahead of me, and that fear usually comes because of the unknown,
i shall still proclaim that God is my helper, who can be against me?

as i met up with my male buds yesterday
i just felt... kinda out of place.
two of my male buds were talking about cars cars and cars.
having driven what so and so cars.
talking about clubbing.

while i was all the while behind at the passenger seat, being slightly annoyed at the things that were being talked about, and maybe because they were conversing in chinese.
seriously there and then, i just yearned so much for Godly fellowship instead.
instead of so and so cars that do not interest me much.
and the usual army stories about speeding and stuff.
and as usual my friends asked me out for this wed night.
but i declined.

if i don't really listen much to hip hop rnb music, how much more would i want to go to such worldly places and get tempted?

i would rather stay at home and rest after training, or take up a book and read.

Medium

yes the title says it all.
i'm not referring to the temple medium
but the medium in which how my thoughts are being translated out.
if i'm constantly talking to my Abba and i'm writing in my notebook, then what is the blog for?

even as i just finished typing the above sentence, i'm reminded that how the things we put on our blogs can be source of encouragement for people in Christ.
for awhile i really thought i should scrape blogging altogether.
but i'm reminded of the power of this medium to minister the Word.

oh wells.
i actually have quite a few qns for Abba after pastor joshua's sermon today.
so many things i was writing down for just one verse, and he went on to another already.

....
i'm quite tired actually,
might as well save whatever ounce of energy left and channel it to the bible,
instead of blogging.

and He answered immediately

before He places me in another place.
He just wants me to stay right where i am to receive, receive and receive all that He has for me in this cg.
before we can be givers, we must receive from Jesus first.

and it gives me joy to know that He wants me to receive so much more so much more from this cg first before He sets me in other places.

the fullness of Your portion.
the FULLNESS of Your portion.
maybe i'm still at the 'L' alphabet of the word.
or who am i to judge.
=)

learn to see the blessing of God in others.

as i ask my Father repeatedly this question "right now what's my portion in this cg, the cg which i've been in for a year plus and which i'll be in till august next year"

i choose to believe that He's not done with me yet
the waiting period unto the Lord is the most precious to Him, and to me as well.

patience, humility.

they that gather much did not gather too much, they that gather little did not gather too little.
everyone had enough for their own.

the manna principle.
to be faithful in the little things that God has set me to do.

when we start looking at other people, we stop beholding Jesus. winds are going to blow and the boat's going to rock.
that i ask my Father to guard me against.

the stadium

i think when the national stadium is teared apart come the end of the year, i will miss it badly.
right now week in week out, i visit the stadium either to use the track or the gym over there.
just today i was feeling sluggish, or rather my calves were aching, or they seemed to be aching.
so i asked Father what i should do today. an easy run or a tempo run.
when i ran from my place to the stadium, my mind was sort of made up for a tempo.
and i realised i've been putting too much on the track during my past workouts.
so much so that i kinda dread tempo runs
till i ran the tempo run today, following the pace given in my schedule, and i found it comfortably hard.
comfortably hard.

it's so funny. for all that i've 'read' on runnersworld for the past few months, it is only this month when Father showed me on runnersworld "do not leave your everything on the track after any workout. leave the workout knowing you could do at least a lil more"
that explains my comfortably hard but enjoyable tempo today.
done in the weary sun after the drizzle. alone running 16 rounds around the track.
weather's erratic.

and i need a better vision..

while i was down at orchard road today,
i was behind two girls
one of them dressed like kelly, walked like kelly, and i was wondering to myself wth would kelly be doing at orchard road, since she has school.
i almost wanted to confirm whether it was really kelly till i saw a cigarette in her hand.
and i went immediately "No! definitely not her!"
oh wells at least i found it hilarious.

in the bible, David committed adultery.
David is a man of God. why would he still fall to adultery?
because at that time when he committed adultery, he did not go out to battle as he normally would, he stayed behind in his palace and caught Bethsheba bathing. He then called Bethsheba over.

when you are misaligned with God's purpose for you, your energy would then be spent on worldly stuff and influences.

that i pray to my Father to guard me against.

trying to make some sense

everytime a course ends, i try to make sense of what has happened for the past few weeks or so.
in this case i was on course for a whole 7 weeks.
the first four weeks i had the privilege to go home early, slightly after 5 and i had the time to visit the gym and do my runs.
the last three weeks were packed back to back with minimal hours of sleep every night but still God made me through.
as i was sitting in the auditorium waiting for the cert presentation, i just felt weird. i just didn't like the feeling. to others it may just be another course but to me i think the 7 weeks didn't just pass with a pinch of salt.
*shrugs*

anyway a course mate asked me which church i attend and i replied him New creation church.
he looked at me for awhile with a look that was neither approving nor disapproving.
he said he was from new creation church but he left for another church.
he talked about his disapproval in our church's investment in marine cove
saying that much more money should be used for missionaries
he said that it shouldn't all be just grace preaching.
he said that some law should be preached as well.

i replied him saying that our church still tithes 10% to missionaries despite the investments coming in.
he kept on saying more money can be pumped into missionaries and so i asked him to quantify how much more should be given to missionaries.
he didn't give a quantity and so he threw the qns back at me.
my reply was "i'm not going to quantify the amount of money that can be flowed out to missionaries. all i know is that 10% is taken out and given for the kingdom of God."

his train of thought is that grace is good for new believers and there was this word "packaging" that came through in one of his sentences.
and so i asked him "what about those people who have been in our church for so many years?"
he gave me a analogy of how we can't always be drinking milk and not still grow.

to sum it all from this conversation, he thinks that a balance of law and grace should be preached.

naturally i was a lil disturbed. our conversation was cut short by the declaration of a canteen break.
as i walked to the canteen, i just spoke to my Father about my disturbance.
and then the Word came to me "if there was glory in the law which God found fault in, how much more glory is there in grace"
and as i am blogging, i am reminded that only Jesus came down as man to fulfill all law.
hence what's the use of preaching law when we all know that we can't upkeep it.
but knowing that we are under grace, just puts us into the right action without even the need to do anything out of our own strength.

Jesus is grace and grace is Jesus.
I am under the new covenant.

and there's no need to stand up and defend anything.
just throw it to God to open our eyes of understanding.

and i realise, i need to learn more not to give a rip.

Humility.

Do the great things as if they are small
do the small things as if they are great
because of the greatness of Christ that lives in me.

this word humility keeps on opening up to me.

this is how an arrow is sharpened
as the arrow undergoes sharpening, layers and layers of me just fade away while layers after layers of the confidence of Christ takes over.

that it's so easy to tend towards trusting in one's own flesh.
but then again i ask myself, or rather my Father is asking me "by standing up there to speak, how much of your own strength do you think it takes? or is it all from Christ?"

in case i seem to be talking without any clue here.
let's say there's a presentation coming up.
due to appointment, another person stands up to present.
while i myself really want to do the presentation, even though i don't mind if i don't do it all.
then i start to think that i can do a much better presentation when the other person is presenting.
that's where my Father started to throw me the qns as already mentioned above.

that i know it's all the glory of Christ.
i thank You Lord for lifting me up.
time and time again in the night when i just couldn't do anything else by my own strength, i just cried out "Abba Father" repeatedly.
and man's expectations couldn't get a hold on me.
even though in the natural when there's a rush to get things done by a certain time and nothing seems to get done yet, i got a lil panicky.
but as i took a toilet break in the middle of everything, i just kept confessing that everything is under grace, under His grace, and there's just so much peace in that.

that it's so evident of the shalom peace of God when there's a consciousness of His finished work.
when the appointment holder list was up, everyone was scurryin around to get the things they need because we actually have to shift our planning location by a certain time.
my fellow course mate was scurryin around to get the materials and aids he needed.
another mate was a lil heated up and was like a gan chiong spider.
while there was a tendency for me to follow what my course mate was doing, that is to get the materials that i need, i just paused for awhile and told God this
"Father i don't want to do what others are doing. i don't want to follow them just because they are doing it. i want You to lead me in getting the things prepared instead"
and i ended up not doing much preparation, or rather just doing the normal preparation without any anxiety.
and in my planning room i spoke out to my other course mates to relax.
and here in lies the interesting part
i told them i can relax because i have God with me.
and obviously the rest gave a laugh and replied that when the crunch time comes, then i'll remark "oh my God!" in desperation.

i just kept quiet after that.
but i thank God for the boldness.
=)

I must Blog!

i thank Father for the opportunity to serve unto Him and the church of Christ.

i really really really really really enjoyed myself behind the counter, just passing people the cd that they have purchased makes me happy.
ahhaha..i just love the service industry.
even more so when you know it's not even yourself trying to put up a smile or anything, but the love of Christ just flows in just a mere exchange of a product.

and yes kelly i have to agree. the cd is really awesome...
that these songs will minister to people all around the world who haven't heard the good news of the gospel
i don't know manx. angie's voice just resonates..powerful voice of Christ.

i thank You for the early day today. i expected a long night, but low and behold, i have time to even go to the gym, run.
and yes tomorrow will be a day with some free time as well. and wednesday as well praise the Lord.

actually when there aren't really any updates.
it just means that i'm loving every moment of my waiting unto the Lord and just resting in my Father's arms.
where there's safety.

=)