beep

beep by pussycat dolls...
the music at MOS on fri night was good..much better than the last time i went to MOS..
the music makes a difference..
i went with my army friends..including an army regular who's a girl..she's kinda weird..all it takes is ard 10min of chat time with her..i can alr feel that the frequency is not that right..
she said,"i don't really like dressing up.i would rather be in long fall"
btw if u're wondering..long fall is the army uniform in its long sleeve form..
yea....
anyways...as usual..clubbin is always so full of temptations..
i met my pri school friend...who happens to be one of the fhm gal next door contestants..
okie this's wat happened..
i danced with her..and my friend danced with her..
my friend's attached..and she's attached as well..we all know her boyfriend as well..
but they kinda locked lips for a brief moment..
they say wat happens at a club stays in it..
when i saw what happened..
i didd not know how to react in my brains...
to each his own as they say..
to seek God's wisdom is much more important than anything else...

anyways...the best thing someone can give to another one is a genuine hug..
a hug of lust excites..
but a hug filled with sincere love is much more satisfying..

this week's so filled with God's favour that i'm so thankful..
last sunday when i was reporting to camp for my confinement..i told God i will never get any more punishments for the rest of my NS life..
and on monday itself..i was slapped with 5 extras for a matter that i thought doesn't warrant such a great punishment...
by God's grace this punishment was actually uplifted because my platoon commander helped to intercede for me...
and i actually have to serve 5 weeks only..
God always gives in exceeding amount eh..
seriously on monday i was at a lost..i had that same old feeling..why God? why is this so..
i stuck in there and believe what i've prayed on sunday..and true enough His faithfulness never fails me..
just went for my army half marathon today...
instead of running 10km which i was supposed to..i ran 6km instead cos i didn't see any signboard that directed the runners to the 6k or 10k route..neither did i hear the marshals say anything..
in the end i jus ran a hard 6k...
when i finsihed the run..i felt weird..cos i know that 10k's obviously much longer and tiring on my legs..
i felt cheated again when i found out that there was a diversion..
how i could i have missed it????
i jsut noe i was at the front together with the 6k corporate team runners...
i've heard that some corporate team runners ran 10k instead of 6k...
marshals' fault i should say..just like my timor barat run where i ran more than 15km because of the stupid marshals..
i really hate running the wrong route...
it just sucks..
so for the standard chartered half marathon which i've signed up for..half marathon..i'm going to study...and memorise the damn 21km route..
i'm just sick and tired of running the wrong route..
so much so that i want to repay that 4km by running on my own later..
was pondering it on the mrt..
when i told myself..just leave it to God..
as much as i can feel bitter over the fact that i couldn't run for infantry ahm..neither can i take part as i'm a first year cadet in engineers..
i realise all i can do is just leave it to Him..
i really do want to run...
i really do want to train to run races..
the opportunities haven't arrived yet..
and i'll continue to trust in Him for these opportunities...
whatever my lungs or heart has to run..it's from above...
wherever my two legs can bring me..it's also from above..
i should be and i am thankful for that...

hence...when the opportunity comes..i'll grab it...
i'll just be patient and wait for it...
it's just that hunger..

team sports is obviously different from individual..
during running..it's u yourself your two legs your heart your lungs your mind your faith and the person in front of u that u want to catch up with and overtake..

while reading an article in urban..
there was this young couple featured..probably ard sec3 or sec4 if i rem correctly..
this article's about the extreme difference in style between the couple..
apparently this young boy's much more engrossed in fashion than his girlfriend..so much so that at times the girlfriend feels like a guy instead...
when i look at both of them in the pictures..
i had this mixed feeling of slight disgust and mockery..
don't ask me why..
maybe u should go read thur's urban and tell me how u feel when u read that article..

He makes me lie down in green pastures

blog hopping's kinda fun..
gives u a voyeurish feeling..peeking into their lives through their blog entries...
there's just this unexplained fascination..or rather interest in how others are leading their lives...and somewhat makes u look at your own life and reflect..
but anyways..so much for my intro..
i think i've said this before but i'm goin to say it again..
looking at my non army friends starting school..makes me yearn for it too..
however i noe that when i get back to school..the competitive environment will probably stifle everything..
perhaps it's just the yearning for a different feeling..
instead of the routine 530am wake up time..u think about the freedom that u'll get once u get back the pink ic..
today after my dinner with my mum and aunt..in which i thank God for the time, i just decided to walk around town on my own..okie not that it's unusual but i've not been doing that for a loong time...i just walked..and lifted my chin up..and walked..and in my head there was this thing circling,"so this is how it is to walk freely..without any rules..or watsoever..u can choose to walk to wisma..then to far east..then back to borders.."
okie...before i start to get incoherent..
army's life a disciplined one..one where u walk anywhere and u've to be conscious of everyone around you..in case there's a higher ranking officer near u..u've to greet/salute him
everywhere u walk..u've to dig your boots..not so extreme..but u can't drag your boots..

not that i'm complaining about my disciplined life..in many ways i think it's beneficial..
it's just that for the 5 days i spent in camp..the 2 days out actually show me the obvious differences in the life in and out of camp...

putting this aside..i would want to comment on my dinner with my aunt and mum today..
i felt like a pampered child today when i was standing outside a thai restaurant contemplating whether we should dine at that place...
tat's not a good feeling..
i don't wanna seem like i'm pampered..
but yea.jus a self conscious feeling..oh wells..

while i was commuting on the train back home..i was observing this trio..probably university kids...a gal and two guys..
these two guys were speaking in an accent that sounds faked up..or rather phoney..
this trio were joking alot on the train..kinda funny eavesdropping..
but yea..they look like they are in mass comm or smth...
only the gal had a genuine singaporean accent that made her sound the youngest and probably the freshman compared to the other two..
observations.....

keeping it alive..

hmms...i seriously don't have any inspiration to blog anymore..
maybe my army life's stifling my command of english now...
army's pretty the same...tough..disciplined..no room for slacking...
army's quite an awful place...
a place where men are dominant..so what do you get..many thousand egos filling up the place..
parades are held for military respect..
i always wonder..how does it feel to be the VIP or something..to walk to the podium when the whole parade is saluting you with their rifles...
egooo...
my OC made a very valid point the other night..
he said that our motivation should come from the fact that we do not want history to repeat itself..with reference to the jap occupation where inhumane things were carried out..just like any war...
he told us a story..during the jap occupation..
men were lined up with electrical wires placed above their privates..
and they were made to look at a naked lady walking past them...
he talked about how women were raped..mistreated..
he said,"if you don't want what happened in the past to happen to your mum your sister your girlfriend, you better train hard."
he added that that's the basis of his job for the past twelve years..

when i heard it...it's so similar to my thinking during ST...
where i was doing a drill and i was so damn damn tired..
where this question popped up..what am i doing this for?
for the rank? for the money? for the prestige?
or the bigger picture is ultimately for my country?
yes the rank the money or girlfriends might be the motivating factors for many to actually carry on the tough course..
but how long can these last?
your girlfriend might leave u..and so what? u lose all your motivation to carry on?
it's all about looking at the bigger picture..
why we are even training to be officers..
putting personal reasons aside..it's all about the country no?

since i moved into my camp at nee soon..my so called buddy in service term..one whose motivation was sky high back in OCS..he kinda changed since then..
one of a slacker..whose mind is always on civilian life or rather his girlfriend..
i've personally seen first hand how a man can actually let a gal distract him in the course of his work..
this didn't happen in service term..but it's happening now..

just last sunday..i met up with my friend..
talked to her for quite awhile..
while i was talking to her..a thought just raced in my mind.."shit..i need to book in early tmr morning..that's the end of this enjoyable period of time"
i booked in...and it took me two days to get my head off the distraction outside in the civilian world..
maybe i've not been having these kinda 'talking' sessions sinec a long time ago..

but anyways..
i've seen how guys can get distracted in NS..
i've seen how girls can hurt themselves over guys who don't bother to shower some basic affection on them...
i've been in one where the guy himself can hurt the gal over some bullcrap things that he has done...

only when the time is right..otherwise i think i'm a cynic when it comes to such matters of the 'heart'

peace.

i'm never poor

if u look at what others have and what u don't have. u'll be poor....

but that's not the case...look at the eternal cross and whatever i have.i'll never be poor..

let this 1 month be a month when i'll be drawn closer to the Lord...in camp..

while others book out..i'll stay in.pray that i won't have too much sai gang(chores in dialect) to do while in camp.

look at it this way. at least i can sleep in the air conditioned planning room with my confined buddy.

independence.

independence is such a big word.
army is supposed to make one grow up and be independent, but somehow it also makes men more dependent on their parents.
i jus opened an attachment from dawn..
about all the qualities in a woman that God has created..
coupled with the wonderful background music, the attachment just made me feel sad after reading it.

this 'dry' period certainly isn't unfamiliar. i had it before in OCS..during the first 3 weeks or so..
the first 4 weeks or so in ETI..this dry period is around..
when i'm sitting at home trying to complete my homework, and suddenly i just start to think.
think about her, think about the stupid punishment, think about my sis's departure to europe for her overseas exchange, in which she won't be around for my commissioning parade, think about my mother who's not staying with me.
army is certainly making me independent..............................stop
while i was typing the above sentence, the relevation just came crashing down..
the more such external things are tryin to make me more independent of them, the more i can be dependent on God.
this will be the time when i'll be drawn closer and when nothing else seems to be dependable on..i know i can depend on my God who's always there at the eternal.
hallelujah

independence.

aptitude

hmms..
i just decided to name the title of my entry after my username..
anyways..
jus a few updates on my life as an engineer..
life's kinda tough in there..being an appointment holder..
i got 7 confinements cos i failed to ensure that a duty which i wasn't in charge of doing was done properly..
and the guy who caused me that 7 confinements is my so called buddy since my st term days...
the funny thing is on that fateful day..i was standing behind him in the OC's office..
i was praying for him not to get scolded so much..just a few minutes later the OC gave both of us 7 confinements as punishment..
btw...7 confinements is served in waves of three..meaning that i do not go home for the weekend which is considered as two confinements served cos i will be stayin in camp for sat and sun..and for the following week..i will stay in camp on sat and return home on sunday for a break before i start my cycle again to clear my 7confinements..
when i got my punishment..my main concern wasn't really about anything except about the issue of answering to my parents...
i already know that since i came into this camp..my parents haven't been really settled down and assured of my well-being..
just telling my dad of my punishment in the car jus now..
he seemed affected by it..
of course i'll feel bitter..i'll feel sad for making my parents worry..
but i would just like to believe that everything happens for a reason..sometimes Grace works for me and sometimes Grace works through me...
i am sure that the confinements would strengthen me somehow..i know that this might be a good time to spend more time alone with God in camp.
i just pray that my parents would not be worried about me in camp..

anyways.in this place..just like OCS..the same old competitive environment is so evident..
the pressure to perform..to know your stuff..to lead well..
everything...
everything is about performance..man and his effort..
i jsut pray that God will pull me through this period of difficulty...
i always question my level of motivation...
whether to strive all the way or to actually just be a slightly average person..
right now i really do not know what my goal actually is..
but i pray that He will lead me there..